A while ago I posted a theme on OKCupid to instigate debate. The question and my response were as such:

Question:
Is it possible to agree to disgree on religious practices in a relationship?

* Yes
* No
* I'm Not Sure

My answer:
I think it's ok, right up until kids are involved. I don't mean what they're exposed to, but, say, if one partners religion states that girls must wear veils, or boys must be circumsized, or all kids must remain silent until aged 4, or only speak Klingon, or transplant fingers onto their foreheads, it's tricky. I would let the kids decide when they were older, as a compromise, but if that's not acceptable, then you have a conflict of interest.


Subsequently, I started a near war amongst men about the goods and evils, for's and againt's of circumcision. Some, more reasoned than others. Let me show you, if you're interested.

Guy 1:
My boy is not getting a hooded warrior, religious or not!

My response:
Because it's permanent, that would be a decision I would leave up to my child when they are old enough to have an informed opinion on the matter.

Guy 2:
Oh America and your casual genital mutilation...

I did not respond to that one. Next is a small back and forth:


Guy 3:
Even if you are religious personally, teaching children a particular religion is the way when they're young is wrong. They should be exposed to a variety without participating in any, and can choose on their own, or choose none, around college age.

My Response:
I think religion is fairly fluid. I would let my kids know there are lots of options, however I am ill equipped to educate them about the ins and outs. I think most folk can form their own opinions well before college age, and should the request a participation in any at any point, I would help them to do so.

Guy 3:
Circumcision of infants is EVIL. With VERY few exceptions it's a totally cosmetic procedure. If I thought earlobes were oogly and decided to have them sliced off my infant shortly after birth, I'd be consider a psycho and probably brought up on criminal charges, but if it's genital mutilation, for some reason it's OK.

My response:
I don't think male circumcision is evil, but I would not do it on my own time. Hence why i suggested it be the childs choice if and when they decided on it. I am always up for debate but don't go making this an angry tirade.

Guy 3:
I agree that most people can form opinions before college age, and of course you can always change religions if you decide you no longer like your current one, but I also think that when younger, it's very easy to get drawn into a particular crowd or the promises certain religious groups make. Teenagers are considered to be poor at making big decisions about most things prior to that age, so I figured it's a good guideline age for picking a religion if they happen to want one. The main thing I take massive issue with is when children are brought up within a religious environment where those teachings are considered the "right" ones.

My Response:
All religions consider themselves the right ones. Teens are more passionate, so yes, may choose and then change their minds later. You learn from mistakes. I won't protect them from making their own or they will never learn. I have also met many many 'adults' who were more prone to rash and blinded decisions than I was pre-college age, and continue to do so. Age does not equate wisdom.

Guy 3:
I don't have any angry tirade, I just believe the one thing we can be considered to be in possession of, from our birth, is our own body, and modifying someone's body is wrong. The fact that male genital mutilation is routine in mainstream American culture doesn't make it right. If you choose to do it yourself, that's all good, just like if you want to put 12 pounds of metal in your face or stretch your earlobes out to the size of golf balls.

My Response:
and I agree.

Guy 3:
Yea, I avoid any religion claiming it's the only right one. I find it's more a problem with monotheistic religions, but you can find it nearly everywhere.


Ok, silly, but reasonable.

But now let me introduce you to Mr. Obtuse.

Mr. Obtuse
Isn't there something SEVERLY wrong when a society even has an OPTION as to whether you should cut off part of your genitals? Who the hell started this sick craze? Can you imagine some people walking around saying "Hey, let's cut off our eye lids guys! We'll be cleaner that way." Any, wavering, uncertain claim that has been made FOR circumcizing your son has been challenged and most defeated. And it's very, very pathetic that we allow men to be cut and desensitized, but when it comes to girls OH NO. That's just terrible. People should left the way they were born. You don't die from having a foreskin. You don't attract flies and ward off women. You won't get HIV. You WILL feel more during sex. You WILL not have a hideous scar on your penis. You WILL remain full sensitive for the course of your life. Women WILL not run away from you, and if by some weird 1-in-a-million chance some shallow whore rejects you over it then that's a good thing because women like that should die alone.

My Response (after the initial double take wtf)
We pierce our ears, get tattoos, cut our hair, remove and replace and repair organs and limbs and even faces. Do those fall under 'leave it the way you were born'? What about spina bifida, hole-in-the-heart or limb repairs on newborns? While I understand where you are coming from, I disagree with the way you were born argument - and your gender bias. Also, female circumcision is akin to removing the entire penis, not a piece of skin. The clitoris and inner labia are scraped away, and the vagina sewn shut to be torn and ripped like an additional and more brutal artificial hyman upon sexual penetration. It is in no way like male circumcision except in title. Please look up female genital mutilation before jumping all over it as you have. And please direct me to any legitimate literature that poses both sides of the foreskin circumcision argument. Other than some sensitivity loss - and who can say how much from personal experience? - I see no arguments against it. Poor hygiene in uncircumcised males does increase yeast and bacterial levels which poses a threat to their sexual partners. That's not a for or against, but its one way to look at it. There are many cultures that practice male circumcision for originally hygienic reasons, especially in africa and the middle east. Female circumcision serves no purpose other than to keep a female fearful of sex and thus 'pure' for marriage and makes sex so painful, they will never waver from their husbands. I think you have a lot of issues with women that need to be addressed. I know of no women who would run away from a circumcised or uncircumcised man. I've never seen an 'ugly' scar. Mostly, people don't notice or care. so just chill, ok?

Mr. Obtuse
My gender biase? Where did I say that females were exempt from my belief that circumcision of male or females is proper? I never once mentioned that, in fact I specifically said THAT PEOPLE, not men, should be left as they were born. And the ear piercings and so forth you listed are ELECTIVE, no one straps them down at birth and does it against their will. You clearly displayed a gender bias by saying that it's okay to circumcize men simply due to the fact that female circumcision is BELIEVED to be more harmful to woman than to men. And your discription of circumcision for woman is the terrible, horrid propaganda version, and if you knew the REAL amount of incidence you'd find it an extreme rarity. The most common form of circumcision in women is the removal of the clitoral hood. Which a woman with a clitoral hood promotes yeast growth, bacteria build up, and overall unpleasantry in smell and taste, which poses great risk to their partners. Oh wait, that's what you said about men already. Funny how it's the same thing, but to you it's not...I assume, however, that you are mutally pleased with the extreme loss of sexual sensitivity men endure over their life because of it. Or do you just deny it even occurs and that when about a 1/3 of the penis is removed it functions just as well as 100% of it. Put your head on lady.

My Response:
I have state repeatedly that i believe circumcision should be elective of the individual when they are of age and able to form an informed opinion. I have never heard of a removal of just the hood, and as I mentioned I would greatly appreciate any other literature. furthermore, the head is not retractable the way a foreskin is and yeast develops inside the vagina and within the labia with hormonal upset or bad hygiene. I've presented that it should be elective for ALL individuals, and the topic was not just circumcision. I also mentioned, farther back, that I would not choose to circumcise my child, leaving that decision up to them. You, sir, have decided to make it a personal assault without reading things through entirely, and should you continue to be abusing and judgmental without cause or reason, I will delete your responses. I am open to well reasoned debates where sides are presented objectively and with information, or new sources, which I requested from you.


Now, ok. At this point I have already mentioned twice that I would leave circumcision up to my child when they were of age and informed - this guy cannot read or likes the sound of his own voice and the sight of his own writing.

What I want to hear is everyone else who has two cents to put in. What are your thoughts or opinions? Was I wrong, or unreasonable? Did I miss something? I want information, but not in an attack. What does everyone else think?

I am on my 3rd UTI in just as many months. This is after having had only 1 before, 6 years ago, just after I had my tonsils taken out. So this whole thing has me uncomfortable and in and out of the doctors after peeing blood and razors.

This last one went from nothing to blood in 24 hours, and the doc said it was an extremely high infection level and sent everything off for multiple more tests before giving me double 10 day dose of Sulpha drugs. I needed the sulpha because I am already on antibiotics for a throat infection.

One theory is stress and bad hygiene. I've been hygienic. My boyfriend, however, has been lax (not to the omg you stink get the hell away from me level but he'll miss a shower or two) and I feel like HE has some super bacteria that is getting me. He did have a kidney stone/subtle infection a while ago.

Whatever it is, my whole subtle, non-directional and frustrated anger about our sex life being only 1/100th of what I want it to be, this is certainly getting ready to kill my desire to scrounge it up when I can get it. The UTI's are certainly around the time we start being intimate again.

I'm just so annoyed with everything.

Now that I am leaving Brooks and not doing the photo school thing I'm wondering what I am going to do.

I WOULD like to try my hand at acting, but I cannot for the life of me figure out where the hell to begin! No idea about agents, auditions, listings, guilds ANYTHING!

If anyone has any suggestions, that'd be great. All I find are scam sites :(

So it's official that I am broke and that I will be leaving Brooks Institute in two weeks time, when my current class is up. There is still the possibility that I will enroll for the masters come september, but I am honestly just dedicating my time to looking for a menial, transitional job. I mean, I need something because I have NO money. Money is in the 0.
It's a problem.

I may look into getting more in shape (when am I not?) and look into the police department. That would give me a transition should I wish to then later apply for the FBI - which would require me to be able to run 2 miles. Since I can only run... oh. 10 feet, That's an issue ;)

My trainer moved (So sad, she's awesome and I miss her!), and my 'new' trainer never did call me so I have 8 sessions that I haven't used. My last few weeks have been so busy I welcome the break, but a large part of me is like "get yo' porky ass back in there and bust some balls. Yo."
Just like that, too.
I can't afford another. Shit, I can't even afford my car or rent next month.

Which leads to another money sucker - The Doctor's Office.
I've been in an out of the doc's for about 3 weeks now. Firstly because the pill I was on was coinciding with clot like symptoms. And then I started getting migraines again, broken apart only by blinding debilitating headaches that nothing seemed to help. Not the 600mgs of Ibuprofen, not the vicoden. Nothing.
Except the heavy duty migraine prophylaxis. So the idea is I have chronic migraines.

All of which, since I am uninsured and now too broke to get the overpriced insurance for overweight people, I have had to pay for. Should I ever GET insured, this is now preexisting and they will not cover it.

I just don't know what to do.

No, I don't really update anymore.

There's no real point, apparently. It's not that I intend to be rid of this because I certainly plan to keep it, but I feel there has been nothing to say without being a cranky pessimistic broken record.

So on the repetitive track - why is it so goddamn hard to get a job?? For the life of me I cannot succeed. It's a bucket load of fail for me.

Why am I 25 and stuck?

I had a dive scuba dive trip yesterday. The boat left at 11am (versus the usual 7 am, which means a 6 am arrival which means a 430 or 5 wake up for a 5:20 trip to the actual boat for me) and got back at 10:45 pm. We had 2 daylight dives, 1 dusk dive, and 1 night dive. There was nothing really to see on anything, and I doped up enough that I didn't get sea sick until we were departing - because we surfaced to insane chop, a swinging boat, and a cut anchor line, and ended up leaving in such sever surf that people were thrown about -which is always a plus. But the dives were uneventful, and the night dive was crowded and bumpy and it was hard not to get thrown into things. Harder still when I feel like I can't maintain a certain buoyancy between 0-20 ft and will bob back to the surface.

I also ended up with a bloody nose each of the last 3 dives. The first time I didn't notice and my dive partner called it to my attention. The second time, I noticed because one half of the right side of my mask was filled with blood snot and sea water, and every time I looked down I would get a red cloudy wash that obscured my view. The third time I just surfaced with red globs (salt water coagulated blood) on my gloves and pink water droplets all around my mask.

When I did end up sea sick, I was in the back of the Galley. Now, the galley is my least favourite place because it is the most likely place I will get sea sick. I usually have to be on deck with my face to the sky to stay normal. Since I had doped up enough and was fine, I was risking it for a cup of hot cider on the way back. Remember, the way back was bumpy, throw you about goodness, and I started to get to the point where vomiting seemed like a great idea. SO I tumbled and toss and crash into everyone with my hot cop of hot steaming cider with miraculous spill free success onto the deck. I would have crashed in the bunk I assigned myself, only someone else doubled up and signed under my bunk too. I'm too much of a pussy to be like ok, dude, you obviously didn't read the ledger and see the 7A next to my name, 6 places above yours. I ended up standing in the outside shower stall, feet and arms propped up on one wall and my ass planted against the opposing one. And somehow, I managed to doze off like that.

Eventually the waters calmed down more and I ended up laying back inside the Galley talking to a guy who apparently also goes to Brooks. That was loads of fun.

And then we arrived back at the dock. I felt like the world was too silent, my ears muffled, and land sick. I got home an hour later, tired, cranky, and ready to just pass out full dressed in bed.

12 hours later, I feel like i want to climb back into bed and pass out some more.

I hate fucking flashes. I hate when I fail at using them, I hate that for some reason my camera doesn't want to see it, I hate that Ive been out in the cold at night two times now, once when raining, to shoot what should have been fun shots and they don't fucking work.

And then, as a last resort and after I have given up, i reset the entire camera custom settings (what it shoots in, what ISO i shoot at, everything) and for SOME REASON, it fucking works.

Did I say 'fucking' enough? Because i think I could have thrown it in there a few more times.


I'm also annoyed that I can't seem to get myself into the gym unless it's to go to a class or meet with a trainer, and recently I haven't been able to even get to classes. My trainer is annoyed with me because I feel like I'm lame and pathetic and no good and that I suck when she pushes me, and that I haven't lost any weight.

I should have lost about 10 lbs by now. I haven't lost any. I'm 3 lbs heavier than when I started my weight loss last year. Those 22 lbs I lost are all back with friends.

I think I was off to a good start - my food journal shows I was doing alright. And then I got really sick. I woke up around 1 am from a dream where I thought I was sea sick, only to really be sick and vomiting and later hysterical enough that I scared my (new) boyfriend. I guess because I was tired and shaky and sick that I just lost it and was crying all over the place.

not my best moment.

Anyway, after that when I could stomach food again, I was only able to stomach really crappy foods. And then I fell back into bad habits.

And yes, I eat a lot. Not always, but on some days I eat way way more than on others. Not badly, just in larger quantities. So now my trainer says no, you can't do that, and I'm at a loss. Don't always be hungry but don't eat enough to make you full? When I try to count calories, I end up under my limit and tired and cranky. If I don't, I end up over but happy.

And I hate cutting out food. I like food. I like flavours. I like enjoying a savory hamburger with a mature cheddar. I like enjoying a pesto with stuffed shells. I like Beer and buffalo wings. I like chilli. I like chipotle burritos. I like Pancakes with real syrup! I want to taste my goddamn food. I hate leafy greens, and they never ever ever fill me up. I hate that I can't eat an apple and feel content, or a salad and feel full, or any vegetable or solitary fruit for that matter. I need to have a protein or heavy carb in there or I do not register stomach contents.

SO I'm pissed off. I can't afford healthy food. Canned foods come with sugars. Whole foods don't keep. Leafy veg doesn't keep. I suck at cooking brown rice. I miss sandwiches. I miss enjoying my food.

Did I mention I hate fucking flashes?!

Ok it's been a while. I'm terrible. I don't write, I don't draw, I plod and I mope and I sleep.

I came down with some random and randomly horrible bug or food poisoning on Wednesday morning. I woke up around 1 am after dreaming that the sheer thought of my scuba gear and a boat dive was making me sea-sick to realise I actually WAS sick. Wave after wave of nausea hit me until I decided to use the bathroom.

Let's just say I feel like I've lost over 2 gallons of fluid NOT from my mouth within an 18 hour period.

I kept being nauseous, and the dry heaves would wake me up, cause stomach cramping and rush me to the bathroom only to relieve myself in other ways.

I didn't sleep very well, either.

Around 11 am I woke to think I was dry heaving again only to then realise this time they were fiercer than the last rounds and only just made it to the loo to puke up Tuesday's sprout salad.
My tummy felt less sick, but equally crampy since then.

It's Thursday night now, and I finally got some tomato soup and then grilled cheese sandwiches into me. Short of a wee snack cup of rice pudding I had (and regretted) on Wednesday night, it's the most and only food I have had in 24 hours. After all the intestinal evacuating I've gone through, it was pretty intense.

ANYWAY - Onto less shitty (literally and otherwise) topics... Pipsqueak has tagged me in 6 random things to know about me.

Which of course I am horrible at.

Thanks, pipsqueak :P

1. My favourite colour is green. Not just any greens, but I can't name which green, either. I can remember every colour that has always been my 'favourite': Purple, and then blue, and now green. I know which particular hues, but again not their names or how to describe it.

2. I moved 4 times between July 2007 and July 2008: From Glasgow, Scotland to Winchester, Virginia, to Sioux Falls South Dakota, to Manassas Virginia and then to Santa Barbara, California. I think I may have to move again as I have no idea what the hell I am doing and haven't found where I should be yet. BOOO.

3. I HATE Okra. Oh my god, I hate Okra. 'nuff said.

4. I love praline chocolates. And truffle chocolates. and pizza. Not pizza chocolate, just pizza. But I really dislike white chocolates.

5. I am terrible at maintaining correspondence. It's not that I mean to neglect people, or that I don't think about them, I just suck. I guess in my mind, we're friends, and friends don't need to be there 100% of the time just to pick up a conversation and catch up. If I'm needed, I'm there whether you called me last week or not. I guess I assume that other people work the same way.

6. I have a massive zit over my left eyebrow. Just FYI.

TADA! And I'll do the other one when I'm not dead tired and oozing my body weight in water from inappropriate orifices.

I am about to be officially broke.

Fucking A.

I told a friend a while back that I intended to update my journal that night.  I think it has been nearly three weeks since then and I never ever did.

truth be told, things are boring, I am cranky and unmotivated, I am under challenged, uncertain, and in general a cranky ,snarky and otherwise overly negative curmudgeon.

so pleh.

Ok... run down. What have I done in a month.

I signed up and sat my scuba course. I went scuba diving in the ocean, and dancing with sea lions totally made up for my overly heavy equipment and crazy crazy seasickness. I have my final dive this weekend - weather permitting - and then I will be PADI open water certified. I did want to sign up for my advanced training ASAP, but the dives then are on the 14th of December and I can't keep blowing my weekends like I have been if I want to keep up with this session.

So I shot one weekend with scuba lessons, a week in VA for bubble's wedding, the next weekend being sick and having my boat dives, and then this weekend with my final dive. I have not been trying as hard on my assignments because I have been busy, and I worry because there is a big creative coming up and I have no ideas for it. Oh well...

Still having my usual mental drama of self loathing and social exclusion. No changes there other than the swings from mild to severe and back again.

I have a major head cold that is fucking with the pressure in my ears. Lame.

mmm.... other than that... not much, really. Life goes on. I seriously need a job because money is being sucked out so so quickly.

but yeah. off to tedious technical assignments. woo. (boo).

Haha, wtf, I just signed up for a basic scuba cert course! Woot.

seriously seriously unhappy.

I have no friends out here. Or, I do, I suppose. I have one, maybe. Everything else is two faced, immature and superfluous. It's there when I'm there it's not when we all go home. I try I do, but no one cares.

I'm sick right now. Real bad cold caught up with me. Or flu. something ugly. I've been sleeping most of the past 2 days. I think I have a fever.

But I'm seriously not happy.

what the fuck, world.

I dunno what's wrong with me, but I so want to take advantage of... everyone! Not in a bad amoral way. Unless people think sex is amoral. In which case, in every amoral way. Amoral is a fun word.

I am feeling atrociously fat and unattractive. I feel like I ate the world.

We found out today that Albus, my roommates dog, is dying. He has been off and on sick and this past week I noticed that despite his good mood, he had a swollen belly. After a couple of tests, ultrasounds, and then an exploratory today, it was determined his liver is too small and is not processing enough. Blood is bypassing it almost entirely now. He's only a year old and he's a rambunctious puppy still. My roommate is obviously very upset. It makes me really sad, too, and worse to see/feel/know she is so torn up. I don't know what to say to or do for her.
We don't know how long he has. He's not jaundiced or anything, and his mood is still good, but we have no idea. I'm hoping he turns out to be super resilient and with just a swollen belly, will live 10 years like he should do.

We'll see.

In the mean time... suck.

I'm a little concerned about my growing desire to drink. Not so much in excess, but I have no social life so mostly I come home and I want drinks and dinner. Yeah, I'm drinking alone. It makes me feel tired enough to sleep some nights which helps.

Actually, I typed 'nicer' rather than tired, there. Freudian slip. I guess I got worried cause i thought to myself, well, it takes the edge off. It gets me through the day. That's not a good thing to be thinking regularly.

8.54 for two little itty bitty plastic bits and 2 itty bitty little screws to take onto a 40 dollar matte cutter. EIGHT. FIFTY. FOUR. I could get the same screws for 10c or less, and there is better plastic on ready made food things. And whats worse? they're refusing to actually screw into the cutter. Why am I paying 8 fucking fifty four for rail guides that dont even attach right? I'm so sick of crappy shit costing me half a days parking, 2 days of healthy food, or just under three gallons of gas. what the fuck! WHAT THE FUCK.

I have to admit, I kind of get a small secret pleasure when a classmate asks to use me as a model for their photographs. I know we're reliant on using classmates or friends as cheap easy sources, but when I got a second request it did make me feel nice about it.

FAAAAATTTTTT.

Oh man it's been super windy the past 2 days and I guess something got kicked up cause, I tell you what, my eyes itch so much, I had a bit of a nose bleed in class (not the pouring geyser kinds, just a bit of red) and i've chewed the insides of my lips into mince.