So I pretty much fail at life.

I've realized that my inability to reach out to people means I'm losing what I thought would always be there, that I'm missing out and I don't know how to hold onto anything or grasp anything new.

I left Brooks, so I'm no longer a student and I don't know how to go about getting into new ones. I can't even get the GRE's down right. How do I know whats a good school? How do I know what I want? What are my options once I have it?
Useless.

I also realized that I fell into a pretty bad slump of depression. I don't know how I missed all the signs, but they were there. I haven't drawn, I wasn't singing, I wasn't reading. Hell, most days I wasn't showering. I stopped shaving, I pretty much stopped giving my cat his (LIFESAVING) meds. I stopped ... everything. I just went to work and then came home and did laundry to keep the correct social appearances up.


Anyway. I finally got the prescription I've been coveting for my attention deficit (ADD). I think it's helping. My jaw tension has reduced, the day doesn't drag where I don't want it to, and doesn't speed up when I need it to be long. It's only been a few days, but it's been nice.
The added bonus I hope will be the weight loss side effect. Please oh please let this be a side effect I DO get.

But I miss my friends. I hate being continually in the dark. I hate being superfluous and blank.

I hate feeling like my life has stopped.

ugh.

alright world, I'm gonna try for Biggest Loser.
I'm not really sure how work is gonna like that since you never do know how long you'll be there, but I'm not going to count all my chickens. I mean, right now I'm just getting a camcorder to make a video. If I find out after all this that they'd consider me, then I'll start considering the work issue.
Also, I want to wear this


On an entirely different note, Ebenezer has been sick.
It's been off and on - first he stopped jumping and began going out of his way not to jump up or down to or from things. Then he started getting constipated, which seemed to clear up when we reinstated his own box. THEN he was in the vet for a blocked up urethra. Then he was peeing everywhere, which we decided was his new medicated food for the blocked urethra. And he had an xray which revealed some weird bone changes in his back legs.
Then last week he was backed up, straining with no results and finally lethargic and vomiting. 2 trips to the vet and another xray later, it turns out he's not only constipated, he has a distended colon and isn't able to pass anything.
I dropped half of my inheritance in 2 days, had his put under, cleaned out, newly medicated and had his xrays reviewed by a radiologist.
The verdict right now is 90% chance he has cancer. The bone chance is osteosclerosis - abnormal bone growth - and in conjunction with his other symptoms, it's probably 'neoplasia'; whatever that means. "New Plate" is all i get out of that. I'm told neoplasia is cancer.

Since the last visit he's been feeling better, even if he is dropping the worlds sitnkiest mooshiest and nastiest of piles everywhere other than his cat box. It's nice to have my old cat back, and I hope that whatever it is I can make him be happy and spoiled in whatever time I have left with him.
It will break my heart, but for now at least he is with me.

We got the Avocado house, and signed our lease today. Our official move in is the 4th.
We're totally excited.

Life goes. I'm trying to figure out where to begin.

I suppose with the job. I randomly saw a craigslist ad for a position at the local major camera store, and went right in. The position that was listed was not going to work for me since it required Saturdays and I have all day classes on the occasional weekend. I filled out an application anyway and brought it back with a resume and cover letter and next thing I know I'm being called in so they can tell me I should go down to LA for a third party interview. Then I'm standing around waiting for a counseling appointment and I get a call saying I need to go down to LA again for training because I got the job. WOO.
It's in the film department, and it's mostly retail and picture printing sales, but it's actually opened my eyes to a few new experiments I'm looking forward to. I'm also glad to find out I enjoy my coworkers a lot and I laugh a lot during the day.
On the downside, it's a full time position on top of full time classes. I think my feet hurt more because I'm standing around and not walking or moving and by time I get home, I would rather lay around and have me time instead of clean, research, or do homework.

The course is going well despite my feeling slightly overwhelmed by my perception of limited time. While I am still wary of the schmoozy artsy aspect of it, I find I am actually slightly more... enlightened? Exposed? There are concepts that have felt like a lightswitch going off in my head that are so welcome to me right now. Papers on humanity being forced to be faster and on a schedule against nature, quarter life crises are the new midlife crises - something I realized I related to more than I would like to admit - and a new awareness of people's perceptions of ME.
I'm not sure it's making me a better photographer yet, but it's helping me have a great appreciation for it as an art than I had previously.
That's a good thing.

I've been getting a bit introspective again, and I'm not sure how I feel about it.
I'm realizing that I am probably only monogamous out of respect for my monogamous partner. There is the issue that I like diversity, I like community, and I like men. I love men. They drive me batty, but i love the smell and feel and warmth and company of men. I would be perfectly happy to have a house full of men at my disposal. Not just for sex, mind you, though that is nice. The idea of a guy a night is highly erotic to me, but not in a dirty, anonymous high-risk kind of way. While I would not mind all of them living under my roof and I would have no qualms with them engaging in similar safe behaviors, I think I would certainly draw the line at other women sharing these individuals being in the same house. Women are dramatic and more territorial than men, I think, and that I DON'T want, miss or crave.
Anyway, I digress.
I find myself more and more attracted to other men again and while I love Boyfriend, my inclination to look elsewhere or have MORE always kicks in after about a year. I don't want to give up what I have, but hey, I want what I want. I dream about moments that don't exist, and about men in and around my life, here and there and everywhere. Moments more than sex again, mind you, though certainly about sex, too.
It is directly at odds with my own desire to have kids, but maybe not. It takes a village to raise a child as they say, and our own trends are to be faster, more consumed, and more isolated. Perhaps the communal thing is ideal.
Maybe I just miss sensuality.

My own understanding of self is challenged again, too. Boyfriend has stated that upon meeting me, many people find me to be an imposing force. Not mean or overly aggressive, but that the potential for power and aggression is there. Today I was told I was a dominant force, and my classmates felt it hard to believe me when I said I was too self conscious to indulge in my first loves of singing and acting in public. To them, I am a confident being. So I wonder where this other person comes from? I notice my classmates see each other outside of class, socialize and make plans - none of which I am apart of yet again. I am not invited or thought of... nor do I know how to ask them to be with me. I have nothing special to do or say so I do not invite, but I would accept the extension and follow from there. How can I be seen as this confident reckoning force when I am alone and outside the pack? Am I perceived leader and thus 'above'? I certainly do not feel that way. Am I too different or is my loudness off-putting and forcing into the role of periphery associate? I'm once more the out of sight out of mind person.
It's upsetting, and I don't know what to do about it. I try to back down but then find a new circumstance that riles me up again and then the whole process repeats again.
What confuses me most is the reactions I get. There appears to be all this faith in me, this respect for me, and appreciation of my work - but I don't know where it comes from. I will say something and someone will say oh that was great, and then I have no idea what it was I said or why it was great. Often I talk too much to no end which is why I say I try to back down .. but I don't get it.

Boyfriend and I looked at a small house nearby that we enjoy a lot. It bumps up the cost of living substantially since it would just be us instead of us and our awesome roomie. The house is small, with tiny tiny bedrooms, but it's detached and quiet and has an awesome yard surrounded by avocado trees and backed by a creek. The serenity is ideal.
Back to my original issue, I begin to wonder - if my restlessness becomes too much - if we could stay living there and have separate rooms. I love our new puppy and he's been a great addition for Nadia. This yard will be great for both of them as well, and it would be too much to ask that we move in and then something happen between us.

Damn me and my fickle over analytical ways.

And I still have artwork for sale! http://www.etsy.com/shop.php?user_id=7883670

I have a job interview today.
It's full time.
It's not a career, but it's work. It's at the biggest camera store in the area, so it's at least related. I can learn through exposure and be exposed to new ideas, which is a plus.

The down is... I don't know if I want it. It may be the ADD/Depression talking, but if I do get it, it will mean some weeks I have 7 days of stuff. Class on the weekends, and 5 days of work.

It has benefits. I need insurance. I can't get insurance. I've been denied. I can't get HIPAA or whatever it is because I never filed for cobra - the dependent to independent transition shit - and I can't afford the high risk $300 a month rates. Benefits are good.

It probably won't be as bad as I anticipate. If I get it, maybe it will be fun and money will come in and everything will be good. If I don't... well, the interview is a big step and it makes me feel good for being considered.

So I had to shell out for food, which meant tapping into the rent fund and then we realized that not only is Ebenezer using his cat box more, he's trying to use EVERYTHING. And with little to no result. Prognosis? UTI. Male kitties get them often enough, but I don't know why he would randomly get one NOW, at age 7, for nor reason and a uti free existence until now? ESPECIALLY WHEN I'M BROKE?!

He's straining so hard he's pooping sometimes. I made him an apt this morning before the pooping business, but they can't see him until Monday. Monday.

It's Saturday.

My poor kitty has to suffer a broken pee pee for another whole day?? We have to stop him from pooping on things for another day.

Poor baby boy.

Poor poor bank account.

I have maybe 15 bucks.
And I can't even call in old debts >:(
I'm so fucked.

This is the first time I've had to deal with it, and I'm not sure which path to take.

It's facebook related, so mock on. Mock. On.

There is this girl, part of a group of girls, that were not very nice to me when I was in school. Even when I played basketball and the team was their clique. Softball, too. I gave them up in Middle school because I couldn't take it anymore. Bullying was worst, then.

in highschool is was more annoying when I decided to stop caring.

Anyway, This Girl just added me on facebook. Of course shes still hot and all her pictures are about the hotness that is her, but I'm so very very amused at how very very slutty it is, too. I mean, really, I have no surprise that you turned out to be one of THOSE GIRLS.

So do I add her and let bygones be bygones and open up the chance that shes really just hoping shes still better off than me - and with her graduating law school and being hot it's probably true - do I ignore her, or do I send her a mature but pointed message that basically says piss off?

hmmm.

I know I don't write any more, livejournal, and I'm sorry.
I started my master's program(me) last weekend and while I am probably going to loathe the 10 hour days, it's cracking up to be a lot more fun and a lot more liberal. With only 10 people in the class and with students my actual age or older, I feel much more on the level and a lot more intimate. So these are good things. I also have more freedom with what and how I shoot. We have creative only assignments and I think I may be more inclined to actually do it, now.

On the home front, we adopted a new puppy. Riley is a 2 month old corgi and aussi shep or catahoula mix.

We have to start from scratch with him because he is so young. He doesn't know yes, no, good boy, bad boy, he's not house broken, and he's in his puppy must chew everything phase. He's learning quickly, but it's working out and he gets along with the dogs and the cats which is a huge step towards success. The Boyfriend is thrilled to have his own dog and dotes on him like crazy.
My only issue is how heavy The Boyfriend sleeps. This means midnight potty breaks or random 2 am play sessions wake me up and thus are directed at me/resolved by me and he's none the wiser or more conscious.

We're also looking for our own place, or looking to stay here as long as we can since with the addition of Riley, it's a lot smaller and a lot more cramped. But K is moving to the OC sometime in the undetermined future and the cost of this place is ideal for The Boyfriend and me even on our own.
We'll see.

Lots of indeterminate future.